
Last weekend I participated in the churchwide Assembly for Mission and Life. What fun! People came from all over Argentina and Uruguay to represent their congregations, share their stories (and their struggles) and to participate in communion with on another.
About a week beforehand, I had been asked if I would be a part of the music team (apparently word had spread about our late-night jam sessions in the seminary cafeteria...). It was an honor to be asked, and I quickly accepted. And I looked forward to it, right up until the point where my fellow musician Ivan came to my desk and plopped down a sheaf of sheet music.
"What's this?" I asked him, though I already knew what he was going to say.
"The music for the assembly," he told me. I was right.
Now what? What Ivan didn't know is that though I can play the piano confidently and pick out a tune by ear, I've never been particularly good at reading music. And certainly not that much of it. And in such little time.
I thought about giving up, but I had given my word. And, I reminded myself, I was really looking forward to this! So after a few days to calm down, I took my stack of music to church and sat down at the organ. The first thing I did was translate the notes into 'my' system (here, they use Do, Re, Mi, etc, even for chords). And then I began to play through the songs. Some of them, I was pleased to find out, I knew from home!--I simply hadn't recognized the Spanish titles. There were others that I had sung so many times since I got here that I guess I had 'absorbed' them. And there were even a few that I was able to fumble through the music and throw something together. When it was all said and done, there were only five that I determined were too hard, and I set them aside.
Then the Assembly came. I was almost immediately thrown into the hotseat when one of the pastors said, "Can you just go play something? It doesn't matter what." So I did. But as things got going, communication improved and I started to get the hang of it. "I can play anything on this list," I told one of the pastors during a break, "except these five." I circled them in bold, black ink.
The pastors who led the sessions were mostly respectful of those restrictions. But the larger group simply didn't know about the limits I had developed. Most of them simply saw me as a competent pianist who could probably play whatever music was set in front of me. Over the course of the two days, they began shouting out song titles. This was great if I knew the song they were requesting, but if it was one of those five, I was in trouble.
A few times, I told them that I simply couldn't do it, and when they insisted, I bristled. "How can they do this?" I asked myself. "Don't they know how much time I've put into learning all of these other songs? Why can't they just choose another one? They've got more than enough to choose from." One time, I gave in and tried a new song. I was uncomfortable and, sure enough, my playing was a disaster. No one else seemed to mind, but I took it as confirmation that I was right and that what I was being asked to do was unreasonable.
Fortunately these uncomfortable moments were few and far between, and for the most part, the assembly went well. Good times, great people, lots of tears and laughter. Our time was imbued with a sense of excitement. It all culminated in our closing worship, in which we served each other Communion and reflected on our shared weekend. Personally, I was pleased with my musical contribution and glad that nothing had gone horribly wrong. In that sense, I was also glad that it was over.
Or so I thought. As people were saying goodbye and beginning to clean up, Pastor Andrea Baez came over to the piano and asked if I could play some exit music. "Only if you sing with me," I said, and winked. "OK," she said. "What should we sing?"
I went first for several songs that I liked but that we hadn't used very much that weekend. It was fun, but they soon ran out. "What about 'Dios Familia'?" asked Andrea. I recoiled--that one was on my no-fly list, and the music was particularly complicated. But, I figured, what the heck. Nobody's listening, anyway. So we gave it a try. I kept waiting for it to derail, but somehow, it didn't. We made it all the way to the end. We tried another one. Same thing--in fact, I kind of liked the tune. People were still leaving, but we were beginning to pick up momentum! Hungrily, we looked for the next one. Great success. We were now trying new songs with reckless abandon. And it was working. Were they perfect? Obviously not. But they weren't bad, and they were really quite a bit of fun!
Right in the midst of so much excitement is when it hit me:
these are things I had said I couldn't do. I had put a dividing line around my own abilities and confidence. As I had shared that limit with others, I also had been reinforcing it in myself. But this 'last hurrah' showed me that my boundary had been based on fear and not reality. If I had only placed more faith in my abilities--and in the power of the Holy Spirit--I could have opened up the song book and avoided some of those needless moments of conflict. I would also be able to relax more and enjoy myself, rather than worry that my abilities were not good enough. In other words, faith makes all the difference.
It reminds me of the words of Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't; either way, you're right."